I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
