my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
