wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
