no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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