I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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