I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
