You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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