Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
my poor anus
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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