rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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