I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
