Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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