If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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