Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
