my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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