I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
