I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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