My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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