all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
