does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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