is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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