When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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