Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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