Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
