Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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