Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
