My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
