This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
