i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She even gives head with a lisp.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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