i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
