Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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