I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
