when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Barsexuality is the new black.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
