Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
