sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
