mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
