I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
