I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
