True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
