not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
