so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
