If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
