Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
