I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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