Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
