Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
