when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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