dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
