any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
