I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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