Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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