i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
