Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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