Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
