Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
