**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
