Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
