It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
